Becky’s Nook

sad. Really, really sad. I’ve been fighting a little depression the past couple weeks. Things seemed so hopeless and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep my days away. Thankfully, I didn’t allow myself to do that. Instead, I sat on the computer, or watched tv. My housework suffered for it, but I really didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t want to do housework, I didn’t want to play with my kids, I didn’t find joy in anything. Not even the pedicure I treated myself to (my very first one!) last Saturday. I didn’t go to work on Monday, because I was so sad, I made myself naseaus. (now they want a doctor’s note, because I called in 1/2 hour after the deadline for calling in sick) Dennis came home from work that night, and after we’d gone to bed, we had a talk. (that’s where we do most of our talking about the days events) Actually, he did most of the talking. He poked and prodded until I broke down and cried like a baby. He was right in what he said though. I do need to learn to let go of my feelings a lot better. I tend to push it all down, until I go into these little bits of sadness. I cried for a good 5 mins or more. It felt so good to release everything that had built up over the past months. Yesterday, I was in a good mood, and kept my patience and yelled only a few times at the kids.

Today I’m feeling good too. Trying not to let the little things get to me as much. Picking my battles, so to speak. In any case, things are going well, and my hair is starting to grow back again already. Nice and thick so far. Here’s hoping I can keep myself from picking it.

For about a year now, i’ve been thinking about it. Then, Dennis mentioned maybe i should do it (though i think he was joking) but i’ve weighed the pros and cons, and the long term pros out weigh the short term cons. I’ve decided (as long as work’s ok with it) to shave my head. I’ll tell you why. Most of you know I have an anxiety disorder, and have trouble dealing with my stress, so to cope, I pull out my hair. Up till now, it’s been managable, in the sense that I could hide it. Well, now i can’t hide it anymore, I have a huge bald patch down the back of my head. And because of the pulling, my scalp is irritated, and has about 10 or so sores that aren’t healing because of all the hair product i put in to hold my hair in place. So shaving it off will allow my sores to heal, and maybe, because it’s so short, I will stop pulling, because there won’t be anything there to pull. I’m also going to get a stress ball, (or something like it) to keep my hands occupied. So, as of this afternoon (most likely right after i talk to my manager) i’ll be bald and wearing a head scarf or something like it. Wish me luck!

Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of down. Like my life is spinning so fast, I can’t control where I’m going, and I’m feeling a little helpless. I finally opened up to a couple of my best friends and to Dennis. They’re supporting me like crazy, and I love them for it. I guess I’ve just been so busy trying to do everything all at once, that when something goes wrong, it sends everything spiraling. To give you an example, my house. It’s a shambles. It’s half renovated (ok, not even half, if you count what i want to do with the kitchen) it’s constantly a mess, no matter how much I clean it. And yes, I know, I have kids, it’s always going to be a mess. But when I go over to friends’ houses and see them clean and tidy, it makes me feel like I need to do better. (and i mean no offense to my friends. I love your houses.) Secondly, my kids seem to blatantly ignore me when i speak to them, when i tell them to do something. (or not to do something) and it’s wearing off on their friends, so they ignore me too. I’ve tried everything from time outs to yelling to, yes, even a spank or two. Nothing seems to work. (if you have any suggestions, i’d love to hear them) And to top it all off, my hair pulling has gotten worse. To the point where I can hardly hide the bald spots on my head anymore. I called a certified psychologist and i’m on a waiting list to get in to see her. She specializes in OCD, so hopefully she can help me. I know what I’m doing to myself isn’t exactly OCD, it’s more of an impulse control disorder. Hopefully she’ll see me sooner than later.

I had a good talk (and a good cry) with Dennis last night. Felt good to release all the stuff that’s been building up inside me for the past few weeks. I feel terrible today though. Migraine headache, exhausted, don’t feel like doing anything. Thankfully the boys seem to be calm and in a quiet mood today. I love them so dearly, and I fear they’re taking the brunt of my anxiety. I’ve started to become that mom i didn’t want to be. You know, the one you see yelling at her kids in the mall and dragging them by the arm down the hall. I find it so hard to have any sort of patience with them these days. I just hope they don’t get scarred by it.